Tuesday, March 25, 2014

That is Everything

Sometimes… there is no more to give. When I hit the wall in the Chicago marathon last lear, I knew, that was everything, I had no more. At work, I had a two on one, recently. My supervisor and her manager and I reviewing my progress. I saw the failures. I saw the missed deadlines. I saw all of the problems. I felt like a failure. I felt like the worst employee. Yet twice the manager said that I was doing quite well, and my supervisor also said I was doing well especially considering I had not been through the process before now.

I wanted to cry at work three times Monday. I didn't. I suppose that's more in the metaphorical sense, but it's laying everything out there, the bare details, and no matter the result, it feels so vulnerable. When we find things to change, on the third group review, the one that is ideally a mere formality, it's like, that is everything I had, and it did not pass.

Personally, the highs are high and the lows are low. I lost some of my emotional swinging when I was unemployed in 2010, but it has been slowly creeping back. Also, as I learn more about the world and find the people and events I want to get emotional over I have been getting more in touch with the emotion in the world. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually the feeling of bearing everything, the vulnerability… that is life! It is so amazing that mere words fail to adequately describe it.

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