Monday, May 9, 2016

Scared of Turning 30: Part 4

My perspective on turning 30 has changed over the last several months, starting around Christmas time. I’m not sure on the particular event or moment when my perspective changed, but it has changed. As I thought about turning 30 and why I was so scared to be that number, I thought about why I was scared of 30. What is there to be scared of? It’s just another day. I realized that it all boiled down to one thing, I am single, and for the most part have been single my entire life, and at times that is lonely, and I am scared of being lonely for the rest of my life. 

I feel I have the best life in the world, and I hope that others feel the same way about their lives, but none of our lives are perfect. The micropoint being I want to share the details of my life with someone. I blog, and it’s a great way to share my life and lessons I have learned with people, but we can’t have a laugh or a cry beside each other when I am typing and you are reading it 12 hours later in another time zone. 

Just to lay it all out there, because, why not? Here is what I am looking for and what I have not quite found. First, a woman I can have communion at the same alter with. My Christian faith is very important to me and if we can’t share that, the relationship simply won’t last. She doesn’t have to have the same faith as me, but if I can’t see similar values as a possibility at some time in the future, I won’t pursue the relationship for long. Second, she must have a healthy life style, it’s a vague term on purpose, and it means that we value the health of the one body we have each been given. In particular, if we are going to raise kids, I want to start my kids on a healthy lifestyle. Third, we must be intellectually compatible, we don’t have to have the same interests, or discuss Capital in the 21st Century in detail, but we need to be able to have a conversation. For years that’s all I have tried to limit my ”requirements”, and recently I have realized that being attracted to her is part of the equation too, and I feel very shallow about that, yet it does factor into my desire to pursue a relationship.

The last few months I have realized that waiting for a relationship to develop, and depending a portion of my current happiness on a relationship is not good. God has given me an amazing life, and if his plan is for me to be single for the next 60+ years of my life, so be it. I’m not going to wait around twiddling my thumbs hoping to have a family of my own one day. I don’t mean that in a way that suggests I am going to take more risks than I already do or that I value myself less because I am not directly contributing to a family. I also don’t mean that I have “given up” on a relationship. I’ve never tried online dating and I am open to it. What I mean is I am going to live my life, and it’s not totally scripted and planned, like I prefer, and I’m not going to let that unknown depress me. 

Macropoint being, I’m not scared of turning 30 anymore. In fact, I look forward to that milestone. I have done so much in my short time, and so many people have not lived this long or had the opportunities I have had. I realize my life is a blessing. 

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