Scared of Turning 30: Part 4

My perspective on turning 30 has changed over the last several months, starting around Christmas time. I’m not sure on the particular event or moment when my perspective changed, but it has changed. As I thought about turning 30 and why I was so scared to be that number, I thought about why I was scared of 30. What is there to be scared of? It’s just another day. I realized that it all boiled down to one thing, I am single, and for the most part have been single my entire life, and at times that is lonely, and I am scared of being lonely for the rest of my life. 

I feel I have the best life in the world, and I hope that others feel the same way about their lives, but none of our lives are perfect. The micropoint being I want to share the details of my life with someone. I blog, and it’s a great way to share my life and lessons I have learned with people, but we can’t have a laugh or a cry beside each other when I am typing and you are reading it 12 hours later in another time zone. 

Just to lay it all out there, because, why not? Here is what I am looking for and what I have not quite found. First, a woman I can have communion at the same alter with. My Christian faith is very important to me and if we can’t share that, the relationship simply won’t last. She doesn’t have to have the same faith as me, but if I can’t see similar values as a possibility at some time in the future, I won’t pursue the relationship for long. Second, she must have a healthy life style, it’s a vague term on purpose, and it means that we value the health of the one body we have each been given. In particular, if we are going to raise kids, I want to start my kids on a healthy lifestyle. Third, we must be intellectually compatible, we don’t have to have the same interests, or discuss Capital in the 21st Century in detail, but we need to be able to have a conversation. For years that’s all I have tried to limit my ”requirements”, and recently I have realized that being attracted to her is part of the equation too, and I feel very shallow about that, yet it does factor into my desire to pursue a relationship.

The last few months I have realized that waiting for a relationship to develop, and depending a portion of my current happiness on a relationship is not good. God has given me an amazing life, and if his plan is for me to be single for the next 60+ years of my life, so be it. I’m not going to wait around twiddling my thumbs hoping to have a family of my own one day. I don’t mean that in a way that suggests I am going to take more risks than I already do or that I value myself less because I am not directly contributing to a family. I also don’t mean that I have “given up” on a relationship. I’ve never tried online dating and I am open to it. What I mean is I am going to live my life, and it’s not totally scripted and planned, like I prefer, and I’m not going to let that unknown depress me. 

Macropoint being, I’m not scared of turning 30 anymore. In fact, I look forward to that milestone. I have done so much in my short time, and so many people have not lived this long or had the opportunities I have had. I realize my life is a blessing. 

Scared of Turning 30: Part 3

Should I leave Dubuque?

Every few months one of my friends leave, and about once a year it is one of my closer friends. The conversation recently among a few of my friends has been that it may be time to leave. We've been here some time, and while life is good, that's why we are still here, there is more to the world. In fact we all all agree that us being here is a big part of why each one of us have stayed this long.

When I came here in the spring of 2011, I thought that my life would go one way, car, house, wife, stability, etc. I didn't voice it, or even articulate that in my head, and had you asked me I would have said that Everest was a higher priority in the short term than those things, but the way I acted that first year in town was certainly one of looking to settle down. Then those relationships didn't really work out, and I grew caught up in coaching, running, mountain climbing, work and now here I am nearly five years later, living in the same apartment, with nearly the same hobbies, making some more money but not tremendously more, and I've never had an actual promotion. What happened to the time?

It's not that Dubuque is bad, on the contrary, it's pretty awesome. For a runner like myself the Mines of Spain and Heritage trail are great facilities! Part of my wanderlust is that I have been here almost five years, and the longest I have ever lived some place is six years. What is home? I will never spend another night in any of the houses I grew up in. Sometimes I feel like life is a one way street, you get to live it once, no u-turns. Perhaps life is more like a jet plane, no reverse, but you can cover a lot of ground going forward. People put a lot of value into sunk costs, those things they have already put time and effort into, while undervaluing the opportunity cost of not taking new opportunities. Making the decision, by not making a decision to pursue new options, sinks more cost into the current situation, and gives up what opportunity may exist in the new endeavor. It's why I keep climbing mountains, what might happen is well worth the time, money and effort I put into it.

At the moment I am being recruited by a different division in my company for a promotion to move to another state. It is an honor to be recognized as a strong candidate for this position. I've been recruited for promotions in the past, but unfortunately they were not in areas that excited me much. While I am on the topic of career, I have realized that responsibility, and authority, do not directly correlate with pay grade. In general they do, but a grade to two grades often means little in terms of actual authority.

I heard once that if you stay five years you are more likely to stay for a very long time. Strangely I feel like I am making that a reality. Am I committing to Dubuque indefinitely? It feels like if there is a time to move, it might as well be now. I don't know.

I don't know. Those sunk costs are really emotional! And opportunity costs are so intangible, we don't know the future.

Scared of Turning 30: Part 2

What is the point? Specifically for me, what is the point of my life? And even more specifically, if I am not training and saving to return to Everest, what is the point? When I expressed that idea Saturday night, I realized I was already lost. 

Suffering is a good thing, and I’ve been suffering a little the last couple weeks. More so in my head than in reality, I mean my life is pretty great, but some of the the things on my mind have been troubling. “It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart. Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.” Ecclesiastes 7:2-4 

Let me rewind a little. Running hasn’t been going so well since I crushed a 27 mile run in three hours flat two weeks ago. Unsurprisingly, I just wasn’t quite ready to be doing the workouts I was at the paces I was, so I went over the limit and now am recovering. This caused anger to build inside me. In large part because I had planned to do two 50 mile races this fall. I’m registered for one, Saturday, the other I’m doubting I will do. It’s frustrating because I spend $200 to register for one of these races and when once again the build up does not go so well I hesitate to even step to the starting line. I’ve registered for CIM in Sacramento three times but only ran it once. It is an expensive hobby to register for a race I do not run. It’s a painful hobby to try and run a race I am not prepared for. All of that being said, I’ve had the Zatopek syndrome for a taper happen several times with good results, and I think… that is quite likely what is happening this time around too. 

On a drastically different topic, I have a relative that has cancer. It's stage three. What do you say? What can I do? I guess that's part of growing older?

Changing subjects totally, I am legally, and Facebook officially, single. There is a woman I am interested in that returns my affection, and it is great! However, in my mind, which is somewhat apart from reality, I think, ‘I need to grab her and lock her down, because I might not get another chance!’ The very next thought is, ‘Are you kidding? I am not sure I am ready to leave my independent bachelor lifestyle yet. Plus, while we are similar in some great ways, we are pretty far apart in some other important ways.’ The reason I am admitting to any of this is because I hope it might help other people understand their own feelings. The point being, because of my lack of relationship experience and my increasing age I feel the need to rush things, which is stupid and could easily lead to making bad decisions, and still I feel that way.

Again a totally different subject, Saturday afternoon I went rock climbing with a good friend. We had pizza afterward in Galena and he asked, “So, are you going to Everest next year?”

I replied with, “I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I’m leaning towards going back next year.” After some other discussion I said, “If I don’t go back, what’s the point?” I was referring to saving money and my general frugal lifestyle, and in part the career choices I have made. As soon as I said it, I realized I was lost. 

Sunday morning, today, I went to church and the sermon was based on Mark 10:23-31 and Ecclesiastes 5:10-20, specifically Mark 10:28, “Peter said to him, “We have left everything to follow you!”” The sermon was about how we never seem to have enough, we always want more, more, more and how we see ourselves as such good people, but we are not good people, and we can never do enough good works to earn eternal life, even if you sell everything you have and give it to the poor.  Our gifts, like eternal life, are from God, and as it says in verse 27, “…all things are possible with God.” And as that relates to the Ecclesiastes passage, it is good for us to be content with our lives, and be happy in our work, because ultimately none of us can solve poverty on our own and on the opposite side of generosity having more will not placate desire. 

In other words, I want more. I want to climb Mt. Everest without bottled oxygen, I want to run fast races, and I want to spend my life with an amazing woman, but in all these things I seem to want them to go my way, on my terms, because I know best. HA! I love it when I get to this point in an article and I feel like some stupid part of me has been ripped out and exposed so that a better part of me might grow stronger. I don’t know what’s best for me. However, this micro distress of questioning myself the last two weeks has brought about some good results already. First to draw me closer to God, and I’m sure people are uncomfortable reading this, and it’s uncomfortable to write it, but it is easy compared to the negativity that overran my brain this past week at various time. Second, strait from Ecclesiastes, one of my favorite books of the Bible, “Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work - that is a gift of God.” As that relates to me in these recent circumstances, I’m running a 50 mile race Saturday. I don’t know how it will go. There is an outside chance I could win. There is a chance I DNF. Regardless of the outcome, I am able to attempt something that so few people have the ability to do, and I will have a support crew of friends and family along the way. How blessed am I! Regarding relationships, I am happy to spend time with a nice young woman, regardless of where our relationship might go. Plus, the other side of the coin is, what sort of crazy woman is even willing to spend time with me? "Oh hey honey, I love you and I'm going to vacation on a mountain for two months where I stand a 2% chance of dying." I mean seriously, where is my head at? For Everest, well, maybe I will never go back. Maybe I will return in 2016. In either case, I have the skills, and I enjoy being in the mountains, my time in those high places is a blessing the vast majority of people on earth do not know, and I don’t take that for granted. 

I don't know what the future holds. It makes me uncomfortable. But! I do know that everything that happens, no matter how painful is ultimately for my benefit. That, is comforting.

Scared of Turning 30: Part 1

Four months ago when I turned 29 the realization that I have one year left in my 20s hit me. And it scares me. I have the tendency to focus on the problems and the negative more than the positive. Not that I am unusual in that regard, most people can hear nine complements and one complaint and most of us seem to focus on the one complaint. So I'm starting a series, that I will only publish after I have moments of reflection, or fear, or elation, related to turning 30 in nine months, in other words, randomly. For starters, this post is prompted by listening to Talk by Coldplay, from the album X&Y. I bought that CD in Taos, New Mexico in late summer 2005 on a day off from Philmont with my friend Scott. He bought the Gorillaz CD that day and I also bought Kelly Clarkson's debut CD that day. I remember listening to them on the rainy 75 minute drive back to camp that afternoon. That was ten years ago.

I spent four wonderful summers at Boy Scout camp in the mountains of New Mexico and Colorado in 2005, 2006, 2008, and 2010. I will probably never work a summer camp job again. I often had a bit of a chip on my shoulder because I did not have an engineering job. I would not say I took those jobs for granted, or that I did not take advantage of the opportunities in the mountains. On the contrary, I climbed so many mountains and routes those four summers! I think part of me just always envisioned that the summer rhythm of days off in the mountains, evenings sitting on the porch or around the fire, the physical satisfaction of a long day, and the simplicity of summer camp in the mountains would continue. That is not how most of the world works.

I've done a lot, but thinking of summer camp and turning 30 there is much I have not done.

• I have not climbed an 8000 meter peak, despite two attempts.
• I have not climbed any big wall in Yosemite, despite three attempts.
• I have not run a sub 2:30 marathon, despite three attempts.
• Never really had a serious romantic relationship.
• Only a one time national champion. 
• I've never owned a house. 
• I've never owned a car less than 12 years old.

People are going to read this and think it's ridiculous. "Isaiah, you're crazy! You made it to 7000 meters on an 8000 meter peak in a year no one climbed that mountain! You attempted three big walls in Yosemite, and made it 500 feet up El Cap solo! You ran 2:30:20 for a marathon!" Yes, I know all of this, but it doesn't seem like enough. My personality is such that I always seem to want more. I want the absolute best out of myself, and when I do not feel like I am getting that, it's frustrating. 

On top of this, as I get older there creeps in a fear that I will be alone. My dating life has been so nonexistant the vast majority of the time that I don't really even know how to date. Thank you Boy Scout camp, private engineering school, 8000 meter expeditions, and working at an engineering company. I just don't know many women. I'm great at first dates, I just rock them, but after that it seems to fall apart so quickly. I'm picky, she's picky, we're just not right for each other. My fear is I will wake up tomorrow and be 35 or 40 without a prospective life partner. At that age having children can be a challenge. And I want to expose my kids to the world, take them on crazy vacations, climb mountains, teach them all I know so they have the opportunity to be even better than I. Of course, one has to have kids first.

The upside is I can do so much positive in the world as a single person. In other words, instead of focusing on a small number of my own children, and one woman, I can potentially help hundreds or thousands of less fortunate people. I have to look for something positive in this because the fear of being alone is very real fear. In fact, I have a pending meeting with Jordan from South Sudan right now, and helping South Sudan as it continues to go through a civil war is very near and dear to my heart. Starting a country is hard.

Don't let any of this negativity detract from me saying "I have the best life in the world" because I do have the best life in the world. I am blessed. I hope that others think the same thing of their own lives.  God has given me so much that it overwhelms me sometimes when I realize how well I have it. I've accomplished more in my life than many people do in their whole lives. Of course, I've lived over 29 years, which is longer than many people, and I've had a few chances to die.

Everest is the black thing above me.

Turning 30 years old scares me. The relentless march of time never ceases. It's a reminder of what I have not done. Instead of a celebration of the amazing life I have lived it depresses me. It reminds me of my failure. The times I have looked up and decided to turn around instead of pushing on, the times I have gone as hard as I can but not fast enough, the things I have done wrong, and the people I have wronged...

What does the future hold? I don't know. Who knows, I might not make 30. I believe in fate, that what happens to us happens for a reason, although we rarely understand it at the time. It gives me comfort to know that all of this is happening for my benefit, according to the God's perfect plan. While I worry about the future, I don't need to, it's not worth the effort. In the words of Franklin D. Roosevelt, "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself."