Thursday, April 8, 2010

Suicide

A few weeks ago I casually mentioned that I had been through the suicide phase. Since then I have spent a lot of time thinking about it. So I will share some of my experience.

I have always put a lot of pressure on myself. I have had trouble when other people point out my numerous failures because I know how often I fail I do not need someone else to point out what I know. I have had some trouble accepting anything less than perfection in my work and that is not a stressfree way to live.

As petty as it may sound I went through several experiences in elementary school where I was not living up to my own expectations. I had mood swings, a bad temper, and depression. All of this combinded to thoughts of suicide. I had done a lot of reading and seen enough dramas on tv to understand the concept. It seems odd to me now that an elementary schooler would contemplate suicide but at the time there was no question to me that I was old enough.

It seems to me that suicide happens because a person does not want to work through his or her problems and thinks that the world would be better off him or her. It occurs because a person has depression and no hope. There seems to be no way to make the situation better.

In my case there was some crying, screaming in pillows, and ultimately a lot of just thinking. In every person that deals with suicide comes a definitive moment. It is the moment holding the knife against your chest or the open bottle of pills in your hand. It is the climax to the story. At that point after everything has been thought about there are two choices. Do it or don't. Obviously I didn't go through with it. As I was sitting there at the culmination I realized that my death would make at least a few people sad for at least a few weeks and I did not want to do that to them.

The importance of going through that moment is that it is an epiphany. One experience was enough so that I will never consider suicide as an option again. Realizing that someone cared about me was a huge change. It was a big step forward understanding the purpose of life. Once I realized that I was cared for it made me responsible to do something with that affection. Since then I have not only worked hard for myself, I work hard to pay back those around me for caring about my welfare. I care about my friends because they care about me. I really do not know how to repay generosity given me.

All of this that I went through, in my head mostly, in elementary school changed my life. Sure I get depressed, but I am happy. I am thankful for what I have. I am thankful that I have made it to 23 years old. I am thankful for my formal education as well as my social one and my outdoor education. My life is really good. As I all to often compare myself to others I realize that my life is still by far one of the easiest and most luxourious in the world. I am so blessed.

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