Really, Truly Trusting God

Trust is a difficult thing. Lack of trust breaks up relationships. Many people have trust issues. I certainly have my own set of trust issues. 

Obviously, I'm getting ready for the 24 hour world championships, which start in 21 hours, and I'm trying to heal a "95% chance" of a fibula stress fracture. Those are not mutually conducive goals.  

In many ways I do trust God above all else. I feel that many of the things I do exemplify that, because death really does not scare me the way it scares most people. Yet trusting God to handle an unknown is not that hard really. In other words, trying to really conceptualize death is difficult, because there is so little that is as permanent as death in the human world. Similarly, people may understand the science of climate change, but it seems so overwhelming, so big with no easy solutions, we continue to use disposable cups and silverware when using a cup or spoon we can wash would be better. Another example, the universe is so big, that just trying to imagine how small we are in it is really beyond comprehension, at least for me.

Where trust gets difficult is in the minutia of daily life. I have not run more than 17 miles a week in the last six weeks. How am I going to run for 24 hours tomorrow? I have a broken leg, or two. As I watch my teammates trot off on a run and I head back in to the medical table to have my legs and hips worked on again a part of me asks, 'what I am doing here?' In this situation it is easy to yell and scream at God, or reject his very existence. 'Why these six weeks of pain? What did I do to deserve this? I'm going to fall on my face tomorrow!' Yet those are the wrong things to say. I know many of the things I have done wrong, and frankly, I don't deserve the privilege of running or walking ever again.  Still, it's hard to accept the fact that I need some suffering, some failure, some rejection, to appreciate the blessings I have. Why does it have to be that way? Why can't I just appreciate blessings and gifts as soon as I hear about them instead of having a setback and a difficulty to make me appreciate what I have?

I don't know what will happen tomorrow. There is a myriad of possibilities. But! I do know, and it's taken me crying on at least six of the last nine days and barely running for six weeks to realize it, whatever happens Saturday and Sunday will be for my benefit, and quite likely the benefit of others as well. It may not be pretty and I may not understand why what happens tomorrow happens, but every step is a blessing, every lap is a blessing, the support system Team USA has here in Turin, Italy is a blessing, and in the odd chance I never run another step let alone another race after this, this race and my whole 14 year running career has been a blessing.

As a post script, people sometimes confuse trusting God with neglecting to seek human help, and that is totally the wrong path because relationships are often one of the greatest blessings and opportunities we have. I have talked to five doctors (not counting my doctor friend in Austrialia), two medical students and my massage therapist about this leg issue, and several of them on multiple occasions. I've had x-rays, I've had six people twist and bend my foot and leg trying to help. The point is, to once again quote the book of the Bible I was named after, "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:9 Which is to say, sometimes life won't make sense to us, but it is for our benefit.

Preparations...

Here we go! Getting ready for the 24 hour world championships!

As I flew from Frankfurt over to Milan, we flew over the Alps, and just on the northern side of the Alps we flew over this mountain. And I though, 'wow, that's a steep face! And it actually looks a lot like the Eiger north face, the face points north and has a long summit ridge to the west. ' Sure enough I checked the maps this morning and it is in fact the Eiger. Which is to say, if I could only climb one thing in the Alps, it would be the north face of the Eiger.

The North Face of the Eiger!

All of my luggage arrived, including the many drinks, more than a gallon, of liquids I was afraid would be pulled out in security somewhere along the way. Also, upon arrival in Italy, I have never gotten into any country so easily. Not a single security person checked any of my papers, luggage, or anything. Everyone on my plane streamed through the 'goods to declare' chute with no one manning the tables. 

Dinner Wednesday night was late, we left the hotel at maybe 7:30 and didn't get back until 11:30 at night. The biggest challenge is that the drives are like 1-2 miles to go anywhere, so if we walk, it takes half an hour, if we drive it still takes 20-30 minutes round trip.

Thursday so far the men checked out the course from about noon to two, after a late but thankfully quick lunch then a two hour team meeting. Two hours! My only previous ultra, and qualifying race, I showed up one hour before the race, got my bib number and timing chip, changed clothing, and set up my cooler of drinks and food. We just spent two hours, two days before the race talking about it. It's crazy.  That being said, racing in a world championships in a foreign country does take some preparation. It's oddly motivating. In other words, there are so many people stressing out over this, like for example, my mom and sister have to figure out how they are going to eat Saturday and Sunday morning, while I run, that I am getting really relaxed about the whole thing. Plus, walking a few miles over the last few days my leg has felt great! It gives me a lot of confidence, that, you know what, I could have a really good day out there. 

By the way, the Italians don't really do refrigeration, air conditioning, or ice, which you wouldn't think would be a big deal when the high temperature is only 70F, but coming from 40F and 50F, it feels warm. I haven't been focusing on taking pictures, so pictures will probably be delayed in all of these posts.

More is Never Enough

I wanted to simply be on Team USA, in other words, go to a world championship, but as soon as the opportunity presented itself, I wanted more. I realized this as I was watching the movie Wild about a woman who decided she needed to intervene in her own life and hike the Pacific Crest Trail. It's a good movie if you haven't seen it. What dawned on me is that typically I, and maybe most of us, think of greed and materialism in terms of physical excess, more possessions, more money, but the truth is there is no difference from experiential greed. Which comes full circle to me, because I realized quite a bit of my negativity lately stemmed from my ever growing greed for a "better" or "more impactful" experience. The truth is, that wasn't what I originally wanted, and it may not be what I need.

Every experience provides us a learning opportunity. The journey I have been on the last six weeks, and over the next four days, is truly one that has, and is, teaching me to appreciate all that I have. This is crazy, I'm sitting in a hotel in Turin, Italy getting ready to run on Team USA at a world championship! I've said this before, but it has been a little lost lately, I have a great life, in my opinion, the best life in the world.

I'm Headed to the 24 Hour World Championships in Italy

Oh dear, I don't know how this is going to go. I haven't run since Monday, March 30th. I had a good run, but my legs have noticeably hurt since then, so it's been on the bicycle for me, or even taking the day totally off. I've cried in four of the last five days because of this.

I feel like am imposter. Having only raced one ultra, but having done a few fun runs, I have a feeling for what my body is capable of, and it is quite a bit. My body can do much better than 154.5 miles in one day, a lot better. Yes in the past six weeks I have not run more than three days in one week and not more than 17 miles in one week. Sure, I've been on the bicycle, but cycling is nowhere near the 100+ miles per week of running I was averaging going into the North Coast 24. I see on Facebook my team USA teammates having send off parties and taking all sort of very excited pictures, and I can't help but think, 'my legs hurt, right now, sitting here. How am I going to run for 24 hours?'

Trying to use an analogy to relate to other people is difficult for me in this case, and I like using analogies. Perhaps this works, imagine you are taking a test, in a subject you like, and the last time you took a test you scored 96%, really great. However, you just had the flu and missed the last week of class, but having trouble recovering from it the doctors find out you have appendicitis, and you're out for another week and a half. You return to take the next test on your first day back, and the expectation is that this is test day, and you have to do it today. Have fun.

Thank you everyone for supporting me, for praying for me, for being excited for me. Yes I am excited to be on a team USA, it has been a goal of mine for a long time, it is just not at all the way I had hoped to go into global competition. It pains me to talk about it. As awkward as Mt. Everest was for me after the accident when I returned empty handed, feeling loss and disbelief at the magnitude of the tragedy, and had some depression from it, this is like that in reverse.

What am I doing? If this was any other race, I wouldn't run. Yet I've never had this chance before and while I hope to have it again in the future, I don't know that I will. I mean the fibula is basically non-weight bearing, so I expect that I won't do any permanent damage. Regardless of the permanent damage, I fear it is going to really hurt. I mean last time with no injuries and strong training, I couldn't walk for three hours after the race. On the pain scale I feel that I am only modestly more pain tolerant than average, and this could really hurt.

I know I am crazy. I don't know of any way to really relate to most people that I can run a 9:17 mile, for 24 strait hours.

What will happen in Turin on Saturday? I have no idea. I still harbor the fantasy that I could win this thing, but images of being reduced to a walk after a few miles crowd into my thoughts as well. This is an opportunity for me to be grateful for all that I have, both physical and mental gifts as well as material and financial. I am about to do something that some of my friends probably considered impossible, until they met me. This is also a lesson in patience. I think, had I not had any races to prepare for, my leg would be totally fine by now and I could begin a build up for summer and fall races.

Patience and gratitude, two things I could exercise more in my life, and this is the perfect time for me to learn this lesson. Perhaps perseverance will be learned in the course of this event too. I don't know.

I Live in Iowa: Week 198

Work was calm. Which is basically a first for 2015. I was in the office about a day and a half before taking a trip down to Kansas to inspect the final testing on our new axle. I am thrilled to say the test results were spectacular! After years of development and millions of dollars we have a product, that barring normal quality variation, is really going to be the best in the market. When you travel for that sort of work issue, it's a good trip. Usually I only travel because something is broken and I know more about it than everyone else.

I ran once this past week, but it was a nice 14 mile run at 6:49 pace on Monday. I asked myself, 'if I could do one workout before this upcoming 24 hour race, what would it be?' The result was a medium long run (14-17 miles) at a moderate pace (sub 7) any longer and I might really break myself, any faster and the same negative result. So it's six days later and I haven't run yet, and my leg still hurts, so... we'll see.

We had Friday off of work for Good Friday and it was nice to travel back up to my parents house in Wisconsin and spend some time with my family. Even if it meant that everyone seems so much more excited for this upcoming race than I do. There is a history of runners experiencing major setbacks before big races and coming through really well. Emil Zatopek, Joan Benoit Samuelson, even a previous USA 24 hour runner Jon Olsen. There is something to learn in every experience and while I hate to admit that resting could possibly be good for me, perhaps that was a purpose of this injury. The other side of the coin is, what ever happens, I qualified to go! Getting to the start line is sometimes the hardest part.

Sometimes, I Can't.

Sometimes what I want to do, I cannot do. If fact, I suppose that happens frequently, but today I'm specifically talking about things I have done before that I am capable of doing again, yet for whatever reason (like an injury) I can't do right now. It's hard to accept that reality, even if it is only temporary. 

You Don't Want to Hear It

After a great run Monday, I'm reduced to pain again. When a setback like this occurs, again, a negative flood of thoughts cascade through my brain. It's not pretty. Since you don't want to hear it, I'm not going to tell.