The last couple weeks I have reminisced a few times about the times that were in college and high school. Part of it was watching the cross country team, part of it was talking to an old friend, and talking to my grandparents. I will never be younger than I am today. There is no going back. This, time, our life, is a one way street.
I guess it scares me. I remember the simplicity and predictability of my younger days. As I get older everything gets more serious. Running has the connotation, 'are you going to lay it all out there and be your very best?' Dating has the connotation, 'are we going to get married?' Work has the connotation, 'will you put in more time to end up getting the promotion?' Life says, 'did you pay all of your bills this month?'
I think these things, and honestly I still have almost no responsibility. I have no dependents. I have more money than I have debts. I am just scared that life, the tiger of adventure, the world of possibility, might be getting away from me. I know, that's ridiculous! I went to Rwanda this summer and was in the top 0.5% of the Chicago Marathon last month. That doesn't sound like letting life get away from me. Yet...
I've mentioned before that I feel like I am tormented. Tormented by my own mind which demands that when I do something I do it all the way, the best I can. And I suppose... I am afraid that I have not given my all in the past. As I write this I am trying to think of a situation when I could have or would have given more and I can't come up with one. Maybe it's an insecurity, that no matter what I do, it will never be enough. There is some truth to that statement, that everything is meaningless and no one can do enough to change the outcome of life, which is death. Not only the insecurity of 'maybe I can't do it' but the fact that I could die trying is a really hard idea to grow into comfortably.
While my incompetences and failures frustrate me, my own mortality gives an urgency to everything I do. There is no going back. I have one less day ahead of me than I did yesterday. One less night of sleep in the countdown to my death. I can not delay doing the things I have to do. Yes, that means you will have to hear me whine about more failures as I continue to push my limits. It also means there are higher goals that will be accomplished.
My torment, which is my incompetence and failure in the limited time we call life, is my motivation.